I'm OK......Mostly

 

        I think several of my friends are either hurt, puzzled or upset with me. I've had several offers to talk and got some really good chocolate and bouquets of flowers. I enjoy the flowers and the chocolate, but haven't taken up anyone on the offer to talk. This really baffles some people because I lost my Mom, the woman who gave birth to me and the person who took care of me when I was younger. The fact that I'm not devastated is something they don't understand.

        What most of the people in my life don't know is that my mother had Alzheimer's Disease. Most people know what that is. It means that someone who has it loses their memory. What they may not understand is that it is degenerative. That's a fancy way for saying that a person with this condition is going to get worse. The decline may be slow or fast, but it is a decline and nothing is going to stop it. (Although there are a few drugs with more on the horizon that could slow it down.)

        In Mom's case the condition stayed somewhat stable for about three years. Then it got to the point where she was starting to wander and needed to go to memory care. From there increasing confusion led her to become agitated and hostile which had to be controlled with medication, During this time she also forgot my siblings and me. She kind of recognized my dad, but only as someone who she knew would take care of her. This happened about six months ago. 

        This is the reality of A.D. It's very hard when you try to hug your mom goodbye after a visit and she gets upset because you are a stranger to her. Even though she knew you by name a couple hours before.  The fact is I lost my Mom six months before her body gave up. I mourned her loss then, even though I continued to visit her  when I would go to visit dad. I helped feed her, arranged her bed and kissed her and told her I loved her when she would settle down to nap. Even if she didn't know who I was, I still knew who she was and I was going to honor her this way.  

        Yes, I cry sometimes. My mother was a strong intelligent woman who eventually had that intelligence and strength peeled away from her. I'm sad that she won't get to see her grandchildren grow to adulthood. I'm sad for my dad who devoted the last four years of his life to taking care of her or helping to take care of her. The person he's spent over 60 years with is gone. 

        As bad as this may seem to seem to some of you, I'm glad that Mom isn't suffering anymore. She's no longer confused, no longer frail and with the ones she loved who went before her. I'm ok.....mostly.