Judging

 

   Recently I spent some time with a friend who I'll call Bonnie. (not her real name) I hadn't seen or spoken to her for a couple of months. She's going through a rough patch so I mostly listened to her as she talked.

   She talked about a lot of thing and one of the things she talked about was a woman we both know named Marie. (not her real name either) Marie attend the same church we do. Bonnie went on for several minutes about how Marie talks about her experiences in church leadership and her educational and personal accomplishments.  She felt that Marie was doing this to make herself seem better than everyone else. Her disdain for Marie was very clear. 

   It made me uncomfortable. I know Marie, she's a friend of mine. I could see how Bonnie could think that way about Marie. It might a cultural thing. Here in the Midwest, someone who is open about their accomplishments is clearly full of themselves and prideful. Modesty is an important virtue.

   Marie isn't from the Midwest. She's from the west. She moved here because she married a man that lived out here. She's lived out in the west the vast majority of her life. In that part of the country, talking about your accomplishments, as far as I know, is not be considered prideful. I know Marie better than Bonnie does.  When Marie talks about things like her past church leadership experiences or her education, her intent is not to self aggrandize. She's talking about her and experiences the same as anyone else would, or for the purposes of illustrating a point or to help someone else. It's just that some of those experiences are not similar to many people around here.

   I also wonder if some of it isn't a bit of sexism. If a man were to talk about his leadership experiences and education as Marie does, would it still be considered prideful and self aggrandizing? Somehow I think not, but that is a topic for another day.

   As I thought about this conversation later on, I was trying to figure out why it bothered me so much. Part of it is that I like Marie and didn't enjoy hearing someone else badmouth her behind her back. There was more to it than that.

   Then it hit me.

   Bonnie has complained to me many times about how judged she feels at church. She is convinced that everyone at church looks down at her and her husband and makes unkind comments about them behind their backs. (For the record I have never heard anyone say anything bad about Bonnie or her husband behind their backs) She's mentioned many times how hurt and left out she feels because of this. She firmly believes that most of the people at church make assumptions about her and her husband based on where they live and what they've done in the past.

   Bonnie was doing to Marie exactly what she complains is being done to her. Bonnie is making assumptions and judging Marie based on what she sees at church. She's decided that her limited experience with Marie is sufficient to make judgements about her character and motives. She feels comfortable and justified speaking badly about her behind her back. She doesn't want to or see the need to get to know Marie better because she knows all she needs to know. 

   Ironic, isn't it?

   We want to be understood, respected and heard, yet sometimes, too many times we refuse that same understanding and respect to others because of what we think we know about them. We assume that we can make accurate judgements based on superficial things we know.  

   I have learned that many times those assumptions are wrong. People are not one dimensional. They are more like facets on jewels. There are many sides to people. Like a jewel what you see can also be influenced by the type of light (or place) that you see them in.

  The next time you are tempted to make a judgement about someone else, stop and ask yourself how much do you really know about the person. How would you feel if the same judgement was applied to you? Is it possible that they are going through something that you don't know about? Instead of being judgmental and harsh could you be kind, considerate or even just leave a little space for someone who made just need a little space. 

   This could be a way to make out world a better place......