I'm Not Disappointed in You

 

   Last year my mother and I started having contact again ending a 15 year estrangement after a family argument. Last summer she was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. My siblings had been dealing with this for awhile and had already taken charge of my mother's health and finances. They had decided that our parents should move to a senior apartment complex near to where my sister and I live.

   Our parents moved there right before Thanksgiving, the first time they have lived in the same place in nearly 20 years. To help with the transition, my sister and I visit once a week. She visits on Wednesday and I visit on Thursday or Friday.

   My Dad sometimes goes back to their house in southern Minnesota to get things that they want to have. Someone always goes along to help. Last trip it was me. This past weekend my sister went with him. 

   Because Mom can't be alone for more than an hour or two someone has to stay with her. It was my turn.

   I packed a bag with things that we could do. I brought a waffle iron to make waffles. Nail polish to paint Mom's nails if she wanted. I brought some knitting and some books to read. Then I got into my car and drove to the apartment.

   I had decided a long time ago that when I visit, Mom and I would do things. Mostly we bake cookies. I knew from past experience that it is best for those with dementia to do things and to use as much of their brains as possible. There was not going to be much sitting around while I was there.

   Dad and Rae (my sister) were almost ready to leave when I got there. After they finished the last minute things they needed to do, they left. Mom and I were alone.

   The first thing we did is make waffles. We made a good batch which I put in the freezer. I know that Mom likes waffles for breakfast sometimes and the frozen ones that you buy in the store are not healthy. Also sort of expensive. 

   Therapy dogs were coming to visit later that day. Mom wanted to see the dogs. We also decided to go for a walk and bake some cookies. After lunch we went downstairs to see the dogs. It was a little early so Mom gave me a little tour of the common areas of the apartment building. I saw the place where they go for Happy Hour once a week. I saw the library where Mom had checked out several books. There was a room with a couch, soft chair and a fireplace (probably gas or electric). There was another room that families could reserve for a meal or party. There was a spacious and sunny atrium. I was impressed that Mom could remember as much as she did about these spaces. We decided after we saw the dogs, we would go for a walk. We went back to the apartment to get our coats.

   When we came back downstairs the dogs had arrived. We spent some time petting the dogs and looking at them. We followed the dogs and their humans back into the atrium. There were chairs set up in a small circle and the humans took the dogs around to the people. Everyone had a good time. One of the dogs paid special attention to Mom. 

   After a bit we decided to go walking. I told Mom to show me the path that she and Dad take and she did. We walked all around the building. We went back inside and baked cookies. While the cookies baked, Mom and I sat on the couch and ate cheese, Italian salami and crackers.

  Mom turned to me and asked me if I planned to have children. It was an odd question since I'm past child bearing age or at least past the age of safe child bearing. I told her no, that I was no longer able to have children. She was quiet. I asked her if she was disappointed that I didn't have children. She said no. She liked being a grandmother, but she understood that I didn't live the kind of life that would be good for a child. I decided to ask her a question that had been bothering me for years. 

   "Mom, Are you disappointed in me?" 

   "No," she said, "Why do you ask?"

   "I always that you wanted me to be an interpreter for the United Nations or a journalist like Nellie Bly. I thought you were disappointed in me for being a pharmacist, " I said.

  "I'm not disappointed in you," Mom said.

   I could feel myself choking up a little. Mom says some off the wall things because of the dementia, but this sounded genuine. For many years I had assumed that Mom was disappointed in me based on things she said decades earlier. Things had changed. I think she has seen that I'm happy and successful. 

   People have told me that Mom's disease is a mixed blessing. For me it is not mixed at all.  Mom and I have had a difficult relationship nearly all my life. Mom has forgotten most of the things that caused the difficulties. I have chosen to forgive and leave the past where it belongs and start over. This is a blessing. I finally have a good relationship with my Mom.