Tips For Training Humans

   Hi! This is Skamp! and Colby. We got a lot of positive feedback from Skamp!'s column about living with humans. Many cats were interested in advice on how to train humans. We have decided to share with you a few tips that can help make your human training easier. For those of you cats that live free, these tips can be adapted to your living situation as well. Keep in mind that these are tips that work for us. Your humans may respond differently. If you have any questions please contact us and we will try to help.
   The first and most important thing you need to do is establish some form of communication. You have to be able to let them know what you want and when you want it. You also need to establish your territory. These are places that are off limits unless you decide to let someone in. I recommend a nice comfortable chair.
   This is Colby. One thing Skamp! mentioned in the last column is that positive reinforcement is vital. Humans, especially female humans, react well when given positive reinforcement. When your human does something that pleases you purr and snuggle. The purring is very important. Humans believe that cats purr when happy. Be sure you purr loud enough for your human to hear. If your human is petting or scratching you and you like what they are doing try to smile. Smiling not only shows your approval, it amazes humans that think cats can't smile.
   This is Skamp!. Speaking of petting and grooming, if you want your human to pay attention to any certain spot, like your face or chest, maneuver yourself so they can get to that area easily. I like to use my paws to hang onto the brush, comb, or hand so that I can control where it goes. I recommend face, neck and chest scratches. They feel really good. If your human is brushing or combing too hard stop purring immediately and make an annoyed yip or meow. Bat the brush or comb away from your body. You may have to resort to growling to make them understand they have displeased you. Jump off their lap as soon as possible.
   There are times when positive reinforcement doesn't work. The first thing you should do is growl or hiss. Do this for several minutes. If this doesn't work then you may resort to a light nip. Make sure it is a light nip. Do not draw blood. Humans react badly to animal bites. Do not nip if you have not had a rabies shot. An alternative to nipping is knocking things over. Try not to knock over anything that is breakable. It makes a mess and you may be injured in the process. Also be deliberate when you do it. Some humans may think you are knocking things over by accident. As a last resort peeing on things also works. Be careful with this. Some cats have become homeless by using this technique too often.  Save it for last resort situations only.
   This is Colby. It is important to bond with your human. One way to do this is through the use of exercise equipment. (They are NOT toys.)  This does two things. It gives you a way to positively interact with your human and also a way to stay in shape. Cat dancers, tassels on a stick and laser light pointers are all good things to use with your human. Some humans like to play ball. They will have balls of various sorts which they can roll or throw toward you. When they do this go to where the ball is and sit there. The human will eventually pick the ball up and throw it again. Do not be tempted to chase the ball. That is what dogs do. Remember, you are a  cat. I like to sit on my human's lap for a least ten minutes several times a week. If you do this, choose a time when they are relaxed. I like to sit on my human's lap when she is watching TV or knitting. If your human knits or crochets DO NOT chew on the yarn. This annoys the humans.
  This is Skamp!.  Humans need supervision. When you have time supervise them to make sure they doing what they are supposed to be doing. When it is mealtime watch them to make sure they are getting your food ready and not looking at email or Facebook. Make sure they clean the litterbox properly and always test the box after it is cleaned. Watching humans do other things can be amusing. Watching them clean dishes, dust, sweep or mop are fun. Be sure to stay away from vacuum cleaners and wet floors.
   Some humans need help waking up in the morning. Jumping on the bed and sitting on your human's face is an effective way to wake them up. If your human closes the bedroom door, rear up on your hind legs and beat on the door as hard as you can. Meow loudly. I know this is somewhat undignified, but your human depends on you. This also works if they oversleep and do not get your breakfast ready on time.
   This is Colby. Last bit of advice, make it clear that you need a certain amount of attention each day. If you do not get it, interrupt them. You can do this by jumping on their lap, book, laptop or newspaper. Act cute, affectionate or pathetic. This will keep the human from being annoyed at the interruption. Do not interrupt a human who is exercising. If they are doing yoga or pilates and are lying flat on their back doing nothing, you may jump on them then. Do not interrupt a human watching football. They sometimes jump up unexpectedly and yell at the TV.
   There is one more piece of advice I need to mention. Make sure you have a safe place. This is a place that you go to when you feel threatened. This can be under a table or piece of furniture. Make sure your human understands they are not to remove you from this place until you are ready.
   This is all we can think of for now. We hope these tips help you along the path to a happy home with a well-trained human.