Dealing With Imperfection

   One of the things that most people don't know about me that that I am a perfectionist. I attribute this to a couple of things. When I was younger I was raised with the attitude of "do it right or don't do it at all" I had some very high expectations placed on me. I didn't want to disappoint people. I worked as hard as I could to meet those expectations. The other thing that happened was my first job review. I was a nurse's aid in a nursing home and the head nurse doing my review ripped me apart. It was brutal. The last thing she said to me when she was that if it weren't for the fact that we were short staffed, she would have fired me. I guess the fact that I tended to work more slowly and more carefully was not acceptable to her. (The reason for this was that I was trying to avoid being injured and also because I wanted to be respectful of the residents that I cared for. I was one of the few employees who did not sustain a major back injury while working there.) After that review, I decided that no one, not one person was going to be harder on me than I was on myself.
  This drive to be flawless is an asset in my job. In fact I thought it was an asset all the way around. I couldn't understand how people could be satisfied with "good enough". It's either perfect or garbage. If you can't do it and do it flawlessly don't do it at all.
  It was only in the last few years that I realized that perfectionism came with some challenges, some pitfalls. One of the things that perfectionism did was prevent me from trying new things. If it was something that I may not be able to do well, then I wasn't going to do it.
  One of those things was writing this column. I'd always been told that I had some talent as a writer. I never wanted to do it because I couldn't measure up to those who were truly talented. If what I wrote wasn't going to be excellent, why bother. There were plenty of other people cranking out trash. I didn't need to add to it.
  What changed my mind was looking at some of the other internet columns out there. Not many of them were family friendly as far as I could tell. There also wasn't anything that I could relate to. I wasn't interested in fashion, gourmet food, make up, crafting or parenting tips. I started writing because I thought maybe there was someone like me out there willing to read it. I also realized that great writers are not born great. They had to practice and sharpen their skills. I decided to try it. Here I am many years later still writing.
   When I turned 40 I bought a hammered dulcimer and taught myself to play it. I had no intentions of playing in public though. Only gifted musicians should play in public. I'm not sure how it happened, but I wound up playing a duet with C during Sacrament meeting at church. I made a ton of mistakes and I was seriously ashamed. Anything done in a House of the Lord should be excellent. I was not excellent, I was not even good. I was never going to do this again.
  What I learned is that people were a lot more tolerant than I thought. They appreciated the effort and also the opportunity to hear an instrument that they didn't know existed. The fact that I was willing to try was enough for them. I later learned that a boy with significant autism was quiet while I played and made an occasional sound of appreciation. I did play at church a few more times. I've never had a mistake free performance. Maybe someday.... (When I get back to regularly practicing my instruments)
   Knitting also taught me some lessons in how to deal with flaws. (Did you really think I'd avoid that subject?) When I knit things I often use a pattern. This is frustrating because I follow the pattern exactly and what I get does not look like the picture.  I have a hat that is too big, a scarf where one end is wider than the other. I have washcloths that are too big and a lace shawl with some flaws in it. This is the way it's always been. Very frustrating to a perfectionist. Do I rip everything out and start over? Obviously this is not something I do well, so I should just not do it at all.
   One thing I realized is that handmade things are supposed to look handmade. If I wanted flawless, I could get a machine made item from a store. A mistake isn't always a bad thing. ( Unless it is an unintentional dropped stitch.) Small deviations in the pattern don't have to detract from it. In fact it can make the item truly one of a kind. I've been known to refer to knitting mistakes as "design elements" Sometimes I've made a mistake and like the look of what I've done so much that I try to repeat it.
  The result of this is that as I've become older I've been a little less hard on myself. Except for when I'm working, I now have the attitude that I do the best that I can at the moment. If it turns out not to be good enough, I have to be all right with it. It was the best I could do at that time. It makes my life a little less stressful.
  I do still have my moments when the desire to be flawless raises it's ugly head. I've had moments when I've wanted to curl up and cry because I didn't meet my sometimes near impossible standards. I endure those moments and try to move on.
   In his letter to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul writes about his "thorn in the flesh". Being a perfectionist is one of my thorns. It doesn't look like it will be taken away from me. The best I can do is learn to live and make peace with it. It's a process, and I'm making progress. That's what counts.