The Anniversary Column

  Last evening C and I attended a wedding. Usually when I see people get married I wonder if the bride and groom have any idea what they are getting themselves into. I especially wonder this if the bride and groom look very young.
  For the record the couple that married last evening do know. They are older and have known each other nearly half their lives. They moved away from their families to Chicago to go to school and moved to another part of the state to take a job. This is one marriage I feel confident will last.
  I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago. She mentioned that C and I have a strong relationship. I smiled at the compliment. I have heard variations on it over the 12 years as of today that we have been married. Then I explained to her that the reason our marriage is this way is because we did a little planning. Let me explain.
  When C and I decided to get married we were engaged for almost a year and a half. Part of this was so we could plan the wedding itself. The other part was so that we could plan the marriage. What I mean by "planning the marriage" is not a discussion of when we will do certain things, it's a discussion of how we can handle certain situations that might come up. I knew we couldn't plan for everything, but what I wanted to do was to at least have an idea of how we would face our challenges.
  This was important to me. I was raised very conservatively when it comes to marriage. I do realize that there are times when divorce is necessary. I also think that some people jump into marriage a little too fast and when it gets difficult they part ways and start over.
  I believe part of the reason why C and I have a good marriage is because we are friends. Friendship, in my opinion, is a good base for a relationship. I always tell anyone who asks that you should never marry anyone who isn't a friend, a true friend.
   You also have to love the person as they are and remember that who they are now may evolve over time. Don't marry someone and expect them to never change. Don't marry someone with the expectation that you will be able to change them into someone you will love better.
  Another reason why we have a good marriage is because we are committed to it. If things get tough we have agreed to work on our challenges and to get help when needed. Bailing out is not an option.
  We also have a "space", if you will, that we don't let anyone into. When I say space, I'm not referring to an actual physical place. It's a bit hard to explain. We don't allow a third ( or fourth or fifth etc.) inside the relationship. One of my stepdaughters was married to a man who would call his father anytime they had a fight. The dad would then call C and tell him what was going on. C was expected to call our (step) daughter and straighten things out. I never liked this because to me it was a sign that the husband was allowing his father into their marriage.
  Arguing is another thing a couple has to learn how to do. No matter how much you care about each other you will get into arguments once you get married. The trick is to learn how to do it. We have some unwritten ground rules. No personal insults. No throwing the past in someone's face. If possible try to see the other person's point of view. Use a time out if needed. I will admit that I'm not the best at following the last rule. When the argument is over and the differences have been resolved move on. Do not store your grievance as ammunition for the next time you argue. Forgive and forget.
  It is possible to be upset with your spouse and still love them ( or at least like them). This is an important thing especially if you or your spouse comes from a family where arguments and anger lead to physical violence.
  Sometimes you have to bite your tongue. There are things that your spouse will do that irritate you. An example is not throwing dirty clothes in the laundry chute. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself that this is something you won't be able to change. Remember that there are some things about you that your spouse will have to overlook. (I'm not talking about larger issues like coming home drunk most nights.)
  Marriage can be hard work, but it can also be a big blessing. The trick is to have more good days then bad days. For every time I have to pick up a wrapper that is left someplace other than in the trash can, I remember the times when C brought me food at work. I remember the time he brought flowers on a really bad day. I think about the  time when we had a hard rain and he came to the pharmacy to drive me to my car so I wouldn't get soaked.
  I'm so blessed and lucky to have C in my life. It's been an interesting journey. I'm looking forward to more years ahead.

Happy Anniversary C