Forgiveness

   A few weeks ago we had an excellent lesson on forgiveness in Relief Society. Forgiveness is something I've been struggling with for most of my adult life. As someone who practices Christianity, I am required to forgive. There are several commandments in the Scriptures that talk about forgiveness and the penalties for failing to do so.
  Once in awhile you see heartwarming stories about people who have forgiven others. One example is the shooting of several children at an Amish school in 2006. Besides stories about the shooting and how it occurred, there were also several stories of how the Amish people reached out to the family of the shooter. (The shooter had killed himself.) The Amish invited the shooter's widow to attend the funeral for the girls that had been killed and many Amish attended the shooter's funeral. I also read a story of a woman who was seriously injured when a teenaged boy threw a frozen turkey through her windshield. She forgave the teen who threw the turkey, seeing it as a prank. In fact she intervened and instead of getting 25 years in prison, the teenager got six months in jail and five years probation. Her explanation was that she got another chance at life and she wanted to pass it on. I'm sure that you could name several other stories that you have read on this subject.
  I've always marveled at people who can just forgive others even for terries acts. How is this possible? I've never understood it. To me forgiving someone like that, especially if they show no remorse and even take the attitude that hurting you was their right and privilege, is impossible. How can you forgive someone who sneeringly tells you to "get over it"? Obviously they not only don't know what they've done, they could truly care less about you.
  Why would you even want to forgive someone like that? They don't deserve it. That's what I always thought. Forgiving someone who has hurt you badly and shows no remorse is essentially letting them off the hook. It's saying. "It's ok that you hurt me. Feel free to do it again." "Yes, I'm scarred for life, but you go on. I'm all right."
  That's what forgiveness is. Right?
   Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.
   That's not what forgiveness is. It is not letting the other party off the hook. It is not about saying that what happened to you was minor or that maybe you deserved what happened. One of the things I've learned about forgiveness is that it is about letting go. It's about setting yourself free. It is about denying the ones that hurt you the ability to continue to do so. It's about moving on and moving past what happened.
  It all sounds pretty simple, right? It isn't and I know that. It is hard. It's even harder when the actions have caused lifelong scars of various sorts.
  There are some people who can just forgive. C is one of them. I don't know how he does it. He's almost like a forgiveness vending machine. Drop in two quarters and out comes forgiveness. Even more amazing, it's totally genuine. He's not faking it and not just saying it. He really honestly means it.
  I used to feel bad because I can't be that way. I used to think that I was a bad person because I can't instantly forgive. Time has taught me that that moving in the right direction, even slowly is all right. Some people have to go through a process. What matters is that you fully intend to forgive and then take the steps to move in that direction.
  Holding onto grudges and hate and bad feelings do not hurt the other person. As much as we would like to think that failing to forgive somehow makes the other party writhe in agony and guilt, it just doesn't happen. The common analogy is that it is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
  Along with forgiveness is also forgetting. What this means to me is that given the opportunity I'm not going to bash the person who hurt me. I can remember what I learned from the experience. I'm not required to become friends with the person who hurt me. I am required to let it go. Claiming forgiveness while reserving the right to take vengeance is not forgiveness.
  Most of us could stand to be a little more forgiving. Much misery could be avoided and much healing could occur if we practiced this virtue a little more often.