45





  Today is my 45th birthday. I pride myself on not getting hung up on the numbers of years I'm celebrating. It seems ungrateful. There are people out there who would loved to have had more years, but for various reasons did not get them. I made a decision long ago that I'm not going to get upset about getting older.
   I seem to be having a little trouble with that this year. One of my biggest pet peeves is women who desperately hang on to their youth by dressing and acting in a very age inappropriate fashion. I never wanted to do that. I want to be like Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Bacall,Judi Dench or Winnie Corn.  I don't have a choice about getting older, but I want to do so in a  graceful and classy fashion.
   Lately I've been looking over my wardrobe and wondering if I should get rid of a few things. There are a few items that I bought ten or more years ago that I'm not sure I should wear anymore. One of them is a flowered skirt. I love the bright colours and the fact that it is the perfect length. I have another navy blue polka dotted skirt that might need to go too. Is it time to get rid of the pale pink linen overalls? I'm wondering if these are things that only younger women should wear and since I'm not a younger woman anymore, it might be time to get rid of them.
  I have some lavender nail polish that I like to wear on my toes. Maybe it's time to get rid of that too. While I'm at it, the blue polish should go as well.
  I'm also wondering if I need to act my age as well. Don't skip, don't dance where anyone can see you and for heaven's sake don't get excited when you hear an 80s song on whatever overhead music is being played at a business I'm at. I don't recall seeing Katherine Hepburn do things like that.
  Now that I'm in my middle 40s I need to start acting my age if I don't want to be seen as someone who is trying to be perpetually in her 20s,right?
   Part of me rebels at this. As much as I don't want to be inappropriately young, I also don't want to be gloomy and old. I don't want to be stiffed-necked, stodgy and brittle. I like the attitude of the Red Hat Society. (Which I will be able to join in about five years.)
   I must admit I'm a little annoyed by all this introspection. I thought I had figured this out already. I'm the kind of person who likes to think about these types of crises in advance. That way I can handle them without any fuss and move on.
   I may have received some unintended help this week. At Toastmasters, my friend Carol gave a speech. She mentioned relishing life and living exuberantly. At my annual birthday lunch party she talked about the "wonder of Sophie".
  The way out of my quandary may not be to try to balance being like Lauren Bacall with being like Sue Ellen Cooper, the Exalted Queen Mother of the Red Hat Society. Perhaps I need to decide what I feel comfortable doing and then do it. If I want to wear my black polka dotted dress with a bright pink matching sweater, then I should do it. If I want to grab C while we are walking down a street and plant a big kiss on his cheek, I should do it. (As long as we don't get in the way of anyone else on the sidewalk. ) If C and I want to sing "Darn It Baby, That's Love" to a friend  in a park in downtown St. Paul, we should do it. (Actually, we did do it.)
  It's a number. It's not something that I need to fear or be ashamed of. I don't need to have a midlife crisis over this. What I need to do is put on something comfortable, finish my mug of tea,go out and have a fun day.

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