A Letter to RB

 

   Lent is usually the time to focus on repentance seeking forgiveness from God.  I've subscribed to a couple of Lenten meditations. One of them mentioned that along for asking forgiveness from God, it is a good time to ask for forgiveness from others and to forgive those you haven't yet. 

   I took an opportunity to write a letter asking for forgiveness from the Relief Society president that I served with until we were released about six months ago.  She responded with a letter essentially accepting my apology, a great relief to me. It also occurred to me that should also take care of another piece of unfinished business. I needed to forgive, truly forgive, the boys that bullied me in high school. Some of you may think that taking more than 36 years to forgive something is a bit too long and maybe it is. For years I thought I'd forgiven them and moved on, but what I really did was just put it in a mental box and put the box on a shelf. Every once in awhile something would happen and the box would pop open and it was like it just happened. I've thought about it and prayed about it and now, finally I can honestly say I forgive them.

   Since it has been 36 years and all of them have gone their various ways, it's not possible for me to write all of them. I'm not sure that I'd want to. Still some acknowledgement is in order. In the past I've written letters that were not meant to se sent. I do it just to get what I want to say out of my head. Today as a way of formally recognizing that I have forgiven them, I'm going to share the letter I would have written.  RB is someone that I graduated with, he was the most prominent of the bullies.

        RB,

    I'm guessing that this letter is going to come as a surprise to you. I'm not even sure you remember who I am. My name is Sophie Story. You and your friends bullied me in junior high and high school. You made fun of my name, spread many unkind rumours about me especially when my grandparents died when I was in high school. You and your buddies also groped me during home ec class. Do you remember that? Probably not.

    Well, I did for a long time. I remember all the things you and the other guys did. I'll bet you thought you were being cool. After all, it's fun to pick on someone without any consequences and when some of the teachers mocked me, you knew it was all right. After all, it's Sophie, why not, she a retard anyway. Everyone knows that retards don't have feelings.

    Except that they do. I started struggling with suicidal thoughts in high school. If I weren't around anymore I wouldn't have to deal with the bullying. I'd be better off wherever I was. There were only two things that kept me from doing it. The first is that I had lost a friend to suicide in high school and I couldn't do that to anyone else. The other reason was that if I died, you and your friends would help yourself off to a day off school to attend my funeral, then spend the day hanging out somewhere. I wasn't going to give you that pleasure. Plus you would probably find someone else to torture and I couldn't let that happen to anyone else. 

    Thanks to you I didn't get the privilege of getting to do some normal teenage things. I never went to prom or a homecoming dance. I didn't get to do a lot of the things that the other kids did because I knew it wasn't safe and I wouldn't be welcome. 

    I developed a whole host of coping mechanisms, some healthy and some not. I need at least 12 inches between me and anyone I don't know very well. A lot of the time, I don't feel safe. I don't trust that those who are supposed to protect me, will. When the Me too movement started, I discovered that groping is considered sexual assault although it might not have been a crime when you did it. I wished there was some way that you and your buddies could have been held accountable like all the other men that were being accused back then.

    I hated you. If you were standing on the edge of a cliff I would have pushed you off. If you were standing by the side of the road I would have tried to run you over. I was so angry. You took a lot from me. I hoped you married and had daughters and lived in fear that they would be picked on by guys that were like you in high school.

    Eventually I got tired of being angry. Hate and anger take too much energy. I was working long hours and just didn't have the energy to spend that way. I thought about forgiving you, but thought that forgiveness meant accepting that what you did was all right. Besides, you didn't think you were doing anything wrong so you didn't deserve to be forgiven.

    Time went on and someone asked me if I would be the same person if I had not been bullied. The answer is clearly no. The question caused me to ponder a few things. If I hadn't been bullied, would I have the ability to persevere through pharmacy school? Would I have stood up for myself on a few occasions when I needed to? I don't think so. In some odd way, the experience of being bullied helped me. I was able to take that bad time and use it for good.

    More time went on and I discovered that I didn't hate you anymore. Actually, I didn't feel anything anymore, not sad, not mad and not resentful. It was something that happened to me when I was younger.    

    I am in a good place now. I'm married to a wonderful man who accepts me as I am. I have a good job that I like. I have a nice home and two cats that I love a lot. I'm ok. The emotional scars have healed about as well as they are going to. 

    RB, I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive all your friends and all the other boys that had their fun at my expense. Memories of your actions will no longer upset me. I no longer need revenge. 

    I hope that time has changed you and that you are a better person than you were when you were younger. I hope that your life is filled with good things. 

Sophie

I'm free!