My Thoughts

   The last week has seen a lot of rage, chaos and damage to property and to people. We've had curfews, police, the National Guard  and a lot of fear. Fear that protesters with guns will break into my store and burn it down. Fear that gangs will come and rob the pharmacy and shoot the staff. Fear that protesters will burn our home down because they can't be stopped. Fear for the lives of the innocent and their neighborhoods.

  Now that things have calmed down a bit, I've read several posts about white privilege and the experience of African Americans. It's been interesting and educational. Several of these things have left me with the feeling that the original creators of these posts believe firmly and definitely that all white people are racist. All of them. Even if you don't think you are, you are. This bothers me. The definition of racism that I found online is "prejudice,discrimination or antagonism directed at someone of a different race based on the belief that ones' own race is superior." According to this definition, an outside person can assume that the way I act means that I believe that my race is superior. Except that it isn't true. I don't believe that. I've never believed that. What if the reason why I might act different around people of other races has to do with the fact that I am unfamiliar with their customs and ways and am simply scared or nervous? I don't want to offend them by being crass or rude so I come off seeming snooty when I'm trying to be quiet and unobtrusive.

  I grew up in small towns in Minnesota and Wisconsin. There were no African Americans in any of the towns I lived in. I don't know why. Maybe there were covenants keeping them out. Maybe there were no jobs. Maybe it was the culture. The only minority I was ever around were the few Asian families who lived in town. The children from these families went to the local school. One of them was in my grade. Another was in the viola section of the high school orchestra with me. I went to college in North Dakota. I don't remember any African American students in my pharmacy class or in my dorms. All I knew about African Americans came from TV news and shows. There was one thing I was sure of and that was that African Americans didn't like white people. I don't know where this came from. I doubt that anyone told this to me and I'm sure I didn't see anything that would support this thought. I went into adulthood with this belief.

   The first time I encountered an African American person was a few years out of college. My friend, Cori was engaged to Ted. Ted was African American. He grew up in Alabama and was almost 20 years older that Cori and me. He had had a rather rough life in his younger years and had moved to Minnesota to start over. I was nervous around him at first, but as I got to know him I liked him. He was quiet with a nice sense of humor and a hard worker. He was close to his brother and sisters. 

  The wedding was going to be at a Baptist church in an area where a lot of African Americans lived. When I came to the rehearsal I was scared. There would be a lot of African Americans there. In fact most of the wedding party and most of the guests would be A.A. (I'll use this from here on so I don't have to keep typing African American) I was part of the wedding party. Someone had asked me to get a Bible from the minister for the person doing the readings during the wedding to use. I stood outside the door of the minister's office for five minutes working up the courage to ask. He was a short man and seemed powerful. Some of the groomsmen had entered the church wearing ball caps. He sternly told them to remove tier caps as they were in the House of the Lord. The men removed their hats immediately. I think I did finally ask. The minister gave me a Bible to use and I gave it to the reader.

  The day of the wedding was the birthday of one of the groom's sisters. I felt bad that she'd be overlooked on her special day. I brought her a birthday card. The wedding went off well with no major issues. The reception was tense or at least it felt that way to me. The bride's family was white and sat on one side of the room. The groom's family was A.A. and sat on the other side of the room. Neither side mixed with the other. In the middle on the dance floor were those of us in the wedding party dancing and trying to be festive. Most of the music as I remember was dance music and sort of hip hopish. There were as few waltzes and other things. When those were played the bride's family would dance. The groom's family would not. I was happy to leave. I wondered if anyone else felt the way I did. I never thought there was antagonism. I just felt the the bride's family who came from small towns in middle Wisconsin didn't know what to do. This was a culture they knew nothing about and they were intimidated. 

   Intimidated. That pretty much sums up how much I feel. I'm like this with anyone I don't know and it is much more pronounced when I'm around someone from a group I don't know well. I've been intimidated by my in-laws who are older and southern, by my father-in-law who was a World War II vet who fought against Italians and Germans (the two countries my family descends  from) and a homosexual coworker. I've been intimidated by a person undergoing a gender transition. I want to make it clear that it isn't anything they are doing. It's me. I don't want to offend them or be hurtful to them and so I wind up just being scared and silent.

  The other thing is the charge that a white person can't know about the day to day dangers an A.A. person faces. To some extent this is true. I'm not A.A. However there are a few things I do understand from my own experience.

   I know what it is like to feel unsafe. I learned this when I was young and going to school. As someone who was bullied, I never felt safe at school. Even now there are many places where I don't feel safe. I don't go running or walking around my neighborhood because it is not safe. A woman alone is a target. I could be beaten, robbed or raped simply because I'm female. If I'm out walking I have to be very aware of my surroundings because I don't know when danger is going to pop up. 

  Being bullied also taught me what it was like to feel unprotected. Some of the bullying was done in front of and even by teachers. The people who should have been protecting me from the bullies did nothing. I grew up with the attitude that I had to protect myself. No one was going to look out for me. I can't depend on others, I can only depend on me.

  One of the videos I watched mentioned that A.A. people have to think about what they wear because that can trigger dangerous situations. I can relate to that in a small way. As a woman I have to be careful of the way I dress. If I wear something too tight or too low cut, then it looks like I'm "asking for it" and may look vulnerable.

   I know what it's like to be judged by appearance. Earlier in my career,I was an acting manager. I pulled my hair back and dressed very plainly. I felt that if I looked too much like a female, I would not be taken seriously. I believed that I needed to act tough and hard. There was a relief pharmacist who addressed me as "young miss". I remember being very heavy handed as I instructed him to called me either Miss Story or Sophie. (He called me Soph from then on.) I've had people refuse to deal with me because they felt I was too young to be a pharmacist or because they wanted to speak with a man (because male pharmacists know more.)

  Now I understand that the above examples are mild compare to what an A.A. person, especially a male, has to deal with daily. I don't have to worry about someone shooting me during a traffic stop or assuming I'm breaking the law by walking by their house. However, at various points in my life I have gotten a taste of some of the things they deal with. I can legitimately say that in my own way I do understand and can empathize with them.

   As I've written before, the articles I've read are useful and I'm glad to read them. What I'd like now is to know how to proceed so we can make things better for everyone.