Breaking Bad Habits

  The past few months I've noticed a couple of habits I have that I don't like. I decided I wanted to break these habits. I've got a lot of willpower. It's not going to be hard. Let me tell you how I'm doing.
  The first bad habit I noticed is that I start many sentences with the word "so". I wasn't sure if this was just me or some sort of Midwestern thing. I posted the question on Facebook and several people replied that they have the same habit. It seems to be a Midwestern thing.
  As a seasoned Toastmaster I know that the first step to getting rid of filler words is to notice that you say them. I had that part done. The next step was simple. Stop using the word "so" in front of a sentence.
  It's not as easy as it seems. It kept coming out. "So what are you going to do this weekend?" "So this is how you do this...." So....when are you planning to take your break?" A line from "Sound of Music" kept running through my head, "Sew- a needle pulling thread." Obviously this was going to be a bit more difficult than I thought. I decided to try forming the sentence in my head before I said it. When I thought about what I wanted to say, the sentence still started with "so". I tried to imagine a giant scissors cutting off the "so" so I could say the sentence. What happened was something that sounded a little like stuttering, Sssssoooooo how are you today? The "so" just wouldn't let go.
  I think I'm getting a little better. I still catch myself saying it when I'm tired and getting sloppy with my speech. The encouraging fact is that I can see improvement.
  The second habit has also proven to be difficult. Sometimes I talk about a guy I used to date. When I talk about him, I tend to refer to him as "Psycho Seth".
  I gave him this nickname after we broke up. As I reflected on the relationship, I could see it was clearly an emotionally abusive one. I was angry at him for treating me that way and at myself for allowing him to treat me that way. He had shown a bit of a violent streak just before we broke up that, in my eyes at least, justified the name. Through the years I had all kinds of Psycho Seth stories. There were the funny ones like the anatomically correct heart shaped jello dessert for Valentine's Day covered in cherry sauce. The was the time he answered a question at a trivia contest saying "Count of Monte Crisco". There was his desire to become the first man to win the Pillsbury Bake Off with a non chocolate dessert. There were also the not so nice stories like the time I came home after dealing with a crisis at work only to find him parked in front of my house angry about something I had said two weeks ago. I couldn't remember what I said. The time that he made me spaghetti with venison sauce when I had the flu. (I don't eat venison even when I'm not sick.) There was the time I asked him why he didn't respect me and he said, "I'm trying"
  It's time to stop calling him that. We broke up 13 years ago. We have moved on. I have a wonderful life and a good marriage. I don't need to keep bashing him behind his back. I'm not angry anymore. If I hadn't had that experience, maybe I would not have realized just how wonderful C is.
  Trying to stop has proven hard. A few weeks ago I told a story and Psycho Seth just popped out of my mouth out of habit. I'm not giving up though. Continuing to call him that even if he doesn't know it (I never called him that to his face.) is just plain wrong. If I've truly forgiven, and I feel  like I have, then it is time to stop.
  The lesson I'm learning in all of this is how difficult bad habits are to break. I've always been something less than compassionate with those who just can't seem to stop smoking, chewing their nails, cracking their knuckles and/or any other bad habit. It's not that hard, just use some  will power. I'm realizing that sometimes will power isn't enough. I'm feeling much more compassionate. Next time I will be more encouraging to those who are breaking bad habits.