The Gift of the Stepmother

   Marrying a man with children can be a lonely and risky proposition. One thing a woman must realize is that  her husband and his children were a family unit good or bad before she came into the picture. Unless the children are too young to remember their parents as a couple there will always be something there. You will always be on the outside of that and sometimes it's a lonely place.
  The ideal would be for a couple where one or both spouses have children to blend together into a new family. It takes time and patience. Sometimes it doesn't happen. It's a risk that you take.
   Ten years ago I chose to marry C. In the process I became a stepmother to five children. They were in their early adult to late teens at the time.
  I wasn't quite sure how this was going to work. Fortunately C and I had had several discussions about the topic and had done a little preplanning. We discussed different scenarios that might come up and how we would handle them. Even though most of them were adults we discussed parenting. I came up with several rules that I discussed with C. These rules were gong to be non negotiable and would be observed by all sides. I was not their mother and I wasn't going to try to be one. They do not have to like me, but do have to treat me with respect in any gathering where we are all present. The most important rule was that I wasn't at any time going to lie to them.
  I am on good terms with all of my stepchildren and I think these rules had much to do with it. I made it clear that I didn't expect to have a relationship with any of them and that whatever relationship we would have would be on their terms. It took a lot of pressure off all of us.
  I have always believed that when we find ourselves in certain situations, we are given gifts or abilities to handle them. At some point during the last ten years I received the gift of the stepmother.
  Popular culture would have us believe that stepparents are mostly an evil people seeking to supplant, abuse or chase away their stepchildren. In reality though a good stepparent can be a gift to the family and a help to the biological parents.
  One of the gifts that I have is that I am on the outside. I care about my stepchildren quite a bit, but I don't have the same kind of emotional tie that a birth parent has. It allows me a degree of objectivity that birth parents don't have. A benefit is that I know my stepchildren only from the time I married C. I know them in a different way than their birthparents do.
  Another gift is that I am secure about myself. I treat my stepchildren with kindness and respect. I am all right if they don't like me. This allows me to say things to them that they might need to hear without being afraid that they will hate me. Sometimes a biological parent can't do this.
  I already have something of a nurturing spirit. Most people in healthcare do. I put this to use with my stepchildren as well. I like sending them encouraging messages. I am pleased when they come to C and me looking for advice or maybe just to vent about what is bothering them.
  Over the years I have shown that I am someone they can depend upon and trust. We are never going to be like the Brady Bunch, but we are becoming a group of pole that care about and support each other. We are becoming a family.