Payback

     C and I had the opportunity to spend some time with Carrie after a show over the weekend. We went to a restaurant near her apartment to have a bite to eat. She will be graduating from college in a month or so. We were talking about the immediate future and what her plans were. At one point she mentioned that she owed us a lot of money.
   I was pleased that she recognised that. When she graduated from high school,she had asked if she could move in with us. Her mother was moving out of the house she grew up in and we were closer to campus. We agreed and also set up what sort of financial help she could expect from us. When she moved out, we revised the original agreement. We would help her as long as she stayed in school and met the requirements of the program she is in. She kept her side of the bargain and we have kept ours.
  I wasn't sure just how much of this she took for granted. Many of her friends come from wealthier families where college is the next step and there is little thought as to cost. I was also pleased and surprised that she said that she owed us. We had never discussed that.
  The help we gave her in college was almost exactly the amount of help that I was given by my family. At that time I was told that instead of paying back my parents, I would help my younger sister through school. She went to college for two years and then chose another course. I helped her when she needed it.
  This brought me back to Carrie's original statement. What kind of payback would I accept from her?
I sent her a message with what I expected her to do to pay us back for the help we gave her. I'd like to share it with you.
  I told her that I expected her to have a successful career. Success in my eyes does not mean great wealth or great fame. It means finding work that you enjoy, that is challenging and that pays enough so you can support yourself and put money into savings. I want her to have something of what I have, a job that most of the time doesn't feel like work. The kind of job that you are happy to go to.
  The people that you are friends with is important. I told her to surround herself with people who care about her and who add to her life. I'd like her to have good friends that she can count on. I told her that she also has the responsibility to be a good friend in return.
   I'm a big fan of the concept of "pay it forward". I told her that if she ever found herself in a position to help someone, I expected her to do so. This doesn't mean just financial help. This could be as small a thing as an encouraging word. It could mean recommending someone for a part that might suit them. It might mean helping someone with a show even though it means sacrificing a little time. It might mean teaching once she has got some experience.
  The last two items are a little on the selfish side, but I included them anyway. When she moved out, she took a star shaped nightlight out of the bathroom. It is something I like a lot. I told her to return it to me when she no longer wanted it.
    I also told her that when she wins any award and has to give an acceptance speech, she has to say, "Thank you to Sophie, the greatest stepmother in the world." I'm willing to to accept variations on this statement, but it does have to go into every award speech she gives. The reason is partly selfish, I just think it would be flat out cool to be mentioned in this way. There is another reason though. Everyone has someone who helps them when they are just starting out. They are the ones who believe in you when few others do. These are the people who have faith in you when when you aren't sure. I want her to remember this and acknowledge those who were there when she started out.
  I think that what I didn't mention is as important as what I did. I didn't tell her I expect her to marry and have children. I didn't tell her what jobs she should take. I didn't tell her that I wanted her to live close or to live in someplace that would be fun to visit. I didn't tell her to embrace the faith in which she was raised. These are all choices she must make for herself.
  I see helping her through college as an investment. Not the kind of investment that will return a lot of money, but something that I consider much more important. It is the kind of investment in someone that could go out and do some good in the world. Someone who can make the world a little better place.
   I enjoyed seeing her grow that last four years. I enjoyed watching her experience new things and meet new challenges. Now it is time for her to go out into the world and see what kind of life she can make for herself. I look forward to seeing what she does.