The Family You Make
I've been corresponding with my stepdaughter, Elin, the old fashioned way through letters. She's going through a difficult time in her life and I give her my thoughts being an older woman and a little comic relief as well as keeping her up to date on what is going on with her family here in Minnesota.
She is married to Mark and their marriage has been troubled for the past half year or so. We've discussed marriage in several letters. One of the things that she wrote was that she wanted a close relationship with her mother-in-law but Dee had just divorced Mark's father and was too busy trying to find herself to develop one. Due to the troubles in their marriage Dee has made it clear that she does not like Elin.
Elin understands why Dee feels the way that she does. Mark is her son and she wants her son to be happy. The chances of her having the relationship she wants with Dee is pretty small.
I told her that sometimes when you can't form the sort of relationships you want or need within your family you have to go outside and find them. In a nutshell you form a "family" from those friends that are close to you. This is something I've had to do.
I don't have a mother-in-law, C's mother was never much of a presence in his life. She died a few years before C and I met and married. So that is something I don't miss because I never had it and it was never possible. I did think it would be cool to have sisters-in-law that were also friends. I have two sisters-in-law, Doreen and Mertis. They are both quite a bit older than I am and we have nothing in common. They both live in South Carolina. I don't really like Mert much she's abrasive on a good day and sometimes bordering on mean on other days. We do not associate with her. She and C were never close anyway.
The woman I call my sister-in-law is Sarah. She is married to Dean a musician that C came to know when they lived in Minnesota. Dean and C are close to the same age and have so much in common that they could be brothers. Sarah is a bit older than I am, grew up in Michigan and now lives with Dean in North Carolina. She had to overcome many health related challenges at a young age. In spite of all these differences we too have much in common and I've turned to her in times of trouble and she has always been generous with me as I try to be to her.
I have several female friends that are like sisters to me. One of them lives in South Dakota, I've known her literally all my life and she is one of the few people from high school that I stay in touch with. There is my friend Carol, who I turn to for advice on children and husbands as she has been married much longer that I have and has raised two children. One of my favourite things to do is make Carol laugh.
There is Patricia and Mandy. Patricia is well educated, poised, smart and funny. I could spend a whole day drinking coffee with her and discussing anything. Mandy is a member of Charlie's church who has taken me under her wing and is willing to answer all of the sometimes silly questions I have about her religion.
There is, of course, my stepchildren,my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren who are also my family. I didn't always feel like I fit in with them, but that is normal when you marry into any family. As much as we exasperate each other I have no doubt that we could all pull together if need be. Some of my favourite times are when they all gather here to eat. Some of them go downstairs to play guitars. Some stay in the living room to chat. I like to think that all of them have a good time.
It's taken me six years to form this family that I have, that's all right. Good things take time. The nice part is that there is plenty of room for more.
She is married to Mark and their marriage has been troubled for the past half year or so. We've discussed marriage in several letters. One of the things that she wrote was that she wanted a close relationship with her mother-in-law but Dee had just divorced Mark's father and was too busy trying to find herself to develop one. Due to the troubles in their marriage Dee has made it clear that she does not like Elin.
Elin understands why Dee feels the way that she does. Mark is her son and she wants her son to be happy. The chances of her having the relationship she wants with Dee is pretty small.
I told her that sometimes when you can't form the sort of relationships you want or need within your family you have to go outside and find them. In a nutshell you form a "family" from those friends that are close to you. This is something I've had to do.
I don't have a mother-in-law, C's mother was never much of a presence in his life. She died a few years before C and I met and married. So that is something I don't miss because I never had it and it was never possible. I did think it would be cool to have sisters-in-law that were also friends. I have two sisters-in-law, Doreen and Mertis. They are both quite a bit older than I am and we have nothing in common. They both live in South Carolina. I don't really like Mert much she's abrasive on a good day and sometimes bordering on mean on other days. We do not associate with her. She and C were never close anyway.
The woman I call my sister-in-law is Sarah. She is married to Dean a musician that C came to know when they lived in Minnesota. Dean and C are close to the same age and have so much in common that they could be brothers. Sarah is a bit older than I am, grew up in Michigan and now lives with Dean in North Carolina. She had to overcome many health related challenges at a young age. In spite of all these differences we too have much in common and I've turned to her in times of trouble and she has always been generous with me as I try to be to her.
I have several female friends that are like sisters to me. One of them lives in South Dakota, I've known her literally all my life and she is one of the few people from high school that I stay in touch with. There is my friend Carol, who I turn to for advice on children and husbands as she has been married much longer that I have and has raised two children. One of my favourite things to do is make Carol laugh.
There is Patricia and Mandy. Patricia is well educated, poised, smart and funny. I could spend a whole day drinking coffee with her and discussing anything. Mandy is a member of Charlie's church who has taken me under her wing and is willing to answer all of the sometimes silly questions I have about her religion.
There is, of course, my stepchildren,my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren who are also my family. I didn't always feel like I fit in with them, but that is normal when you marry into any family. As much as we exasperate each other I have no doubt that we could all pull together if need be. Some of my favourite times are when they all gather here to eat. Some of them go downstairs to play guitars. Some stay in the living room to chat. I like to think that all of them have a good time.
It's taken me six years to form this family that I have, that's all right. Good things take time. The nice part is that there is plenty of room for more.
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