The Things We Don't Talk About

February 15, 2019

Recently an acquaintance on Facebook posted that miscarriages are common and that she had just suffered a miscarriage. She wrote that this is one of those things on the "Things We Don't Talk About" list and for that reason many women who have a miscarriage must suffer in silence without support or help.
I read this post with some surprise and sadness. Surprise, because I wasn't aware that she was pregnant. Sadness, because I've had several friends and family members who have miscarried. It's a loss just like any death, but perhaps a bit worse because there is a loss of hope and dreams. A loss of chances that are missed. Unlike a stillbirth or other death, there's no commemoration. No funeral. No memorial service. No body. Yet, it is a life lost.
Miscarriage is common. According to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology 10-25% of recognised pregnancies end in miscarriage. That means that as many as one in four pregnant women will miscarry. I don't need statistics to tell me how common it is. I know personally 11 women who have miscarried. My sister, sister-in-law and grandmother are among them.
I wondered why this is kept so quiet. Given the devastating impact that it can have on a women why is this something that we don't talk about? I asked one of my friends with personal experience why she didn't talk about it. She wrote that it's a intimate topic, that there is an amount of guilt (what did I do to cause this or what should I have done to prevent this), there's a sense of not being good enough or healthy enough or careful enough and then there are the clumsy attempts at consolation by well meaning people. I could understand that. I've concealed certain things in my life for many similar reasons.
What can be done about this? It seems to me that there should be someplace, some group, something that a woman can go to for support when experiencing such a loss. I'm reminded of older times when medical conditions like cancer, seizure disorder/epilepsy, intellectual disability (formerly mental retardation) and mental illness were considered shameful and hidden. Now, no one thinks twice about admitting a cancer diagnosis and children of all intellectual abilities attend school together. Part of this occurred because people started to talk about it and were open about their health. When involves such a personal event as losing a pregnancy or really most things when it comes to women's health/issues, being open about it can be a challenge. It's not easy to be open about something when it is something considered private or leaves one open to judgment by others.
I think one thing that could be helpful is for women to start talking to each other. The post that I mentioned at the beginning of this column had 156 comments. Of those comments 18 of them mentioned an experience with a miscarriage. Some of them had suggestions for coping. One of them mentioned Share, a support group for pregnancy and infant loss. It wouldn't have to be something as public as a Facebook post. I learned from recent experience that sometimes when you share a health crisis with those you know and trust, you might find that they have had the same experience and are willing to share information and help.
I'd like to end by sharing something that my friend shared with me. One thing she wrote is that when someone tells you they have miscarried saying things like, "Well you're young, you'll have another" or relaying the experiences of others you know who have had stillborns or miscarriages is not helpful. Saying that you are sorry for the loss and how hard it must be is what she found to be the best response.
Even though this is not a topic for public discussion, no woman or family should have to suffer in silence. Reaching out to trusted friends and family can help,you never know who might have been on that same road.