Two Lessons

   A small newspaper in Minnesota ran a paid obituary that recently went viral. It started out like any other obituary with basic facts about the woman who passed away. Then it said the woman had a child fathered by her brother-in-law and she abandoned her two children to be raised by their grandparents. It ended by saying that the two children are not sorry she is gone and that the world would be a better place without her. That obituary has had several newspapers and legacy websites examining their policies for obituaries.
   I read two articles from different sources about this obituary. They were interesting. As I read I realized that there are two lessons that this situation teaches. I'd like to share them with you.
    Lesson One
    One article I read quoted a man who knew the family although he did not identify his relationship with them. He said that the facts in the obituary are true, but that there was more to the story. He did not elaborate on that statement.
   I'm sure there were a lot of people who were thinking, "I'd never abandon MY children" or "I would never air those things in public."  If you are one of them, you're right, you wouldn't. However, you don't have all the facts. All you know is a couple paragraphs in an obituary. You don't know the entire story, the history of the persons involved or the other sides of the story. Yet, many of us are comfortable making judgments based on such scanty information.
   I've been on both the giving and receiving ends of such judgment. I didn't understand the choices that someone had made. I thought they were being thoughtless and careless. It wasn't until later I realized this person was suffering from significant mental illness at a time when mental illnesses were not treated or very crudely treated. Once I was accused of abandoning someone and refusing to help them.  The people accusing me didn't know I had been trying to help. My attempts to help were not making things better. I finally decided that backing away was my best and only option.
   The next time you settle into the comfortable armchair of judgment ask yourself if you know all the facts. Do you know all sides of the story? Do you know what has already been done? Do you know this history of all involved? If you can answer yes to all of these questions then you can make an adequate judgment.
   Lesson Two
    The second article I read was about how the obituary backfired on the ones who wrote it. Instead of sympathy for the two children who had been raised by their grandparents, there was sympathy for the woman who had died.  Many felt that the obituary was in bad taste and that it was unfair to bad mouth someone who could not defend themselves. The two children came off looking like two angry, bitter people who were unable to get past something that happened a long time ago. The fact that they chose to make an issue usually considered private, public did not help many people's opinion of them.
   The lesson here is that is that sometimes it is best to take the high road. I know this isn't really politically correct in this day in age. Public shaming seems to be the preferred way to handle things. You have to be careful when you choose to make a private matter public. It might turn out in a way you do not expect.
   In a recent Sunday School class I attended, someone said that it is better to be kind than to be right. I think that underscores these two lessons. Choosing kindness over having to be right leads to a better outcome most of the time. It a pity more people don't try it.