48

   Today is my 48th birthday. Things happened this year that I didn't expect. I thought that this birthday was going to be like all the other birthdays the past 11 years. I'd be working a ton of hours at the old store and would have requested the day off for my birthday hoping that my request would be granted.
   Things took a dramatic change and I am not there anymore. I'm not working as many hours and that had given me some time to think. This time I have to pause and reflect has made me realize a few things.
  I came to the conclusion that I've done a lot of things out of fear. I've stayed in jobs that had less than ideal working conditions out of fear of being unemployed. I stayed in an abusive relationship because of fear and because I thought as long as I stayed in this relationship I was normal. I worked way too many hours ignoring my family,my house and myself because there wasn't enough help and I was obligated pick up the slack.
  In short, I have been living my life in fear. I just didn't realize it.
  I wasn't always like this. I was never a big risk taker, but there was a time when I knew what I wanted and I worked to get it. I was a lot more hopeful and more confident in myself. I understood the need to rest and to look around and appreciate everything. I tried new things. I cooked different food. I didn't worry about what other people thought of me. I felt more free. I wasn't the person I am now.
  Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm a bad person. I just think that I've allowed myself to be overly influenced by fear and by the expectations of other people. The way I realized this was when I had lunch with my Dad. I love my Dad and enjoy having lunch with him. This time I was scared to meet him. I knew I needed to tell him that I'd quit my job and I wasn't sure what he would think. Would he consider me irresponsible? Would he think less of me for not having another job to go to right away? I didn't know. It turned out that he was fine and in fact told me that he was glad I realized a bad work environment and took steps to take care of myself.
   My mother used to tell me (and many other people) that she liked me better when I was younger. For a long time and even a little bit now, I thought this was tactless and hurtful. I'm coming to realize that there is a kernel of truth there. I've allowed myself to become a bit rigid. Maybe that's what she was seeing and didn't like. I thought I needed to be what I other people thought I was supposed to be all the time.
  A few weeks before I quit my job, I told C that I wanted to change my name. I was bored with being Sophie. I wanted to be Gennie. Gennie is the short form of my middle name, Genevieve. This was the name of my grandmother's oldest sister. She was greatly respected in the family and known to be a good woman. I barely knew her, but always felt a closeness to her as I carried her name. I think my desire to change my name was spurred by a desire find some of those qualities I used to have. I need to find the person I was that was: a little silly, that smiled more, that wasn't so stressed and that laughed.
  Most of all I need to be more like me and less of what I think others want me to be. I'd heard once that one of the gifts that age gives you is the knowledge that you don't have to prove yourself anymore. If you have been successful in your own eyes, then it doesn't matter what others think. You no longer have to follow the crowd. You come to a place where you are comfortable in your own skin.
  That's the goal for this year. I'm going to shed that skin of fear, stress, worry and anxiety that I used to wear. I'm going to be more hopeful and have more faith. I am going to see the wonder in the unknown. I'm going to think outside the box. I'm going to get rid of stuff that I don't need. I'm going to look for the light.
  I'm going to make this year a wonderful year.