Failing Gracefully

   I was really excited about teaching the Relief Society lesson last Sunday. It was a good lesson and a fairly easy one. All the women would have had this lesson at some point in time. It's one of the first ones that is taught to converts. I was expecting a good discussion with lots of comments from the class.
  I was hoping to spend a leisurely Friday reading over the lesson and preparing my notecards. That didn't happen. Instead I wound up working. I'm glad I went in, there were things that needed to be done, but it meant my preparation would have to be done the next day without fail.
  Saturday turned out to be busy too. I had to sandwich my preparation between loads of laundry, errand running and helping to clean the refrigerator. It was not the ideal way to prepare. I like to read the lesson, think about it and discuss it with C before I make up my notecards. I felt like my preparation was rushed and choppy. I told myself that it was still a good lesson and that even though I didn't get to prepare the way I would like, there would be other times when I may have to teach without a lot of prep time. I needed to learn to use whatever time I have efficiently. When I was done I had my lesson outline on eight neat notecards.
  I felt confident as we went to church. It was going to be a good morning. Not even the chill in the weather could destroy my cheer. I felt ready. I even remembered to pick an opening song in case I was asked. It was going to be a good lesson. I could feel it.
  I went into the Relief Society meeting feeling confident. When the education counselor asked me if I was ready, I responded with a jaunty yes. I was excited and ready to go. There were several women there who for various reasons aren't normally able to attend. I was happy to see them. I knew they were going to get a good lesson.
  It didn't go quite as planned. No one seemed to be as talkative as usual or maybe I wasn't giving people enough time to reply. I don't know. It wasn't what I had planned on. It wasn't even close to what I hoped for. I ran through my materials in less time than usual and found myself ten minutes under time. We spent it listening to a talk that I had referenced in my lesson.
  I sat down disappointed. I had not done a very good job and felt like I had wasted 30 minutes of everyone's time. To make matters even worse, at least for me, was that Jayne was there. Jayne is part of the stake Relief Society leadership and someone I respect and admire. I had so wanted to teach a good lesson if she was in attendance, not to impress her, but because she seldom gets to attend a lesson that where she doesn't have to speak. I wanted to hang my head in shame and slink out of the room. I wanted to go hide someplace.
  A few women came up and thanked me for the lesson. One woman told me that I'd said some things that she needed to hear. I was glad that I had helped her, but still felt that I had failed in my duty that day.
  I was in a minor funk the rest of the day. The fact that Denver was beaten so badly in the Super Bowl that night did not help my mood. The next day I got up still feeling bad about the lesson. I felt like I owed all those women an apology. I couldn't really do that, but there was one person I could apologize to. I went to the computer and sent a email to Jayne. I knew she would probably forgive me and also have some wisdom to share as well.
  My instinct to write her was a good one. She didn't really feel like an apology was necessary. She also made several good points. One of them was that she had got something out of my lesson. She pointed out to me that someone who wants to learn and is ready to learn will find something to learn. No matter how much I want everyone to learn something it won't happen unless they want to learn something. She mentioned a good article on the subject for me to read.
  Another thing she wrote was about needing to allow some silence. Thinking over the lesson, I realized that I did rush a bit. My timing is normally pretty good, but I probably didn't factor in enough time for thinking and reflection. I was glad of the reminder and will remember it for next time.
  The last thing she advised me to do was to let it go. She'd seen my note for the confession that it was. Now that I had expressed my feelings, I needed to let them go. Fortunately for me that was already my plan. I'd learned long ago that brooding isn't a good use of time. I allow some time to feel irate or bad when I don't perform as expected or desired. Once I've hit my time limit, I move on. I can't change it but I can learn from it and try not to do it again. As C says, "next!"
   I was raised with a "do it well or don't do it at all" attitude. I decided long ago that no one was going to be harder on me than I am on myself. I'm in a profession where mistakes are not tolerated. One thing I need to learn is that not everything turns out flawlessly. When this happens I have to remember that it is not a disaster. It's not as bad as I think it is. I'm still learning to fail gracefully. I need to remember that it's all right when something doesn't go as planned. Most of the time something can be salvaged and there will always be someone who didn't know that something went wrong.
  The next time I have a lesson like I did last Sunday, I hope instead of feeling ashamed I'll hold my head up and say to myself, "Darn, that wasn't what was supposed to happen. Next!"