Stepmother

   Last Wednesday was Stepmother's Day. It's an unknown holiday. There is a little disagreement on what day it falls on. Some sources that it is the Sunday after Mother's Day. Other sources list it as May 1. Since I'm really bad at keeping track of holidays with floating dates, we celebrate it on May 1.
   I started acknowledging Stepmother's Day a few years ago. At church, on Mother's Day,women are given small  presents and are honored on that day. I would usually demur. I don't have children, I have stepchildren. It didn't feel right to "intrude" on a day meant to honor those women who do have children. I like Stepmother's Day because it honors those of us who aquired children by marriage without offending those women who gave birth or adopted their children.
   Step parenting has its own challenges. Part of the challenge is the stereotype that stepparents, especially stepmothers, are mean. Don't believe me? Let me ask you a question. When you think of the word "stepmother" what is the first image that pops into your head? Was it Cinderella's stepmother? Was it someone who looks a little like Maleficent?
  If it is, you're not alone.The popular image of a stepmother is someone who unkind at best at downright cruel at worst.
   While I do know that there are some stepmothers out there who are not good to their stepchildren, there are many that are. They are the women who recognise that they have a responsibility to their stepchildren and do their best to create a feeling of family and of caring. I know several women like this.
  Being a good stepmother takes planning. While we were engaged C and I talked about his children. (They were in their late teens and early twenties at the time actually.) We talked about different scenarios that could come up like requests for money or other types of assistance. We planned out a strategy for how we would handle these things. One thing that we considered absolutely essential is that we had to be a united front. There was going to be no "divide and conquer" going on. I think this is a discussion that all couples who bring children from previous marriages/relationships should have well in advance.
 While we were engaged I also set down a few ground rules. There were a few things that I needed to set down early on to prevent possible trouble later. The first rule is that I'm not their mother and I'm not going to act like one. I wanted to make it really clear that I was not going to replace their mother. The second rule is that they don't have to like me. To me this is important. I didn't think it was reasonable to expect them to instantly like or love me. These things take time. I think it took a lot of pressure off me and my stepchildren. The third rule is that they have to treat me with respect. I am married to their father and his equal. This rule goes both ways. I also have to treat them with respect. The fourth rule is that I will not lie to them. I will tell them that I don't know or tell them that it's none of their business, but I will not lie to them.This is another important rule. One of the gifts of stepmotherhood is that you can be more objective. You do not have the emotional ties that a birth parent has. It allows you to see things differently which is sometimes helpful. This rule also serves as a warning. If they ask me something I will tell them. No sugarcoating.
  I also think that circumstances are also helpful to being a good stepmother. C had been divorced for many years when we met. His former wife had remarried. There was no expectation that they would ever get back together again. My stepchildren were older and most of them were on their own. Maybe if they had been younger it would be different. I also have no children of my own. Blended families can be successful ones, but it takes hard work. This is something we didn't have to consider.
   I can honestly say that I enjoy a good relationship with most of my stepchildren. Approaching the situation they way we did has gone a long way towards making my entrance in to the family a positive experience.
   On May 1, I posted Stepmother's Day greeting to all the stepmothers I know. I received very nice messages from my stepdaughters. I couldn't spend the entire day celebrating, I had lots of housework to do. I did get some time to knit and to read. It was a good day.