Apologies and Forgiveness

   I was looking at the news headlines online. One of them was about Trayvon Martin's family not accepting an apology from George Zimmerman. I didn't read the story. I had reached my limit quite awhile ago.
  It didn't surprise me. I have been told that losing a child is the worst thing a person can go through. I would imagine that losing a child in a violent act would make it that much worse. I was a bit surprised that Mr. Zimmerman would say anything. He is a defendant in a criminal case and everything he says will be recorded and will be used against him in some form.
  I started thinking about apologies. Maybe it is something that happens once you get past 40 or maybe I'm picking up C's love of pondering.
  Some days it feel like I'm constantly apologising. I once told someone that I should carry a card that says, "I'm sorry" on it. A few months ago I began to wonder if maybe I was apologising too much. I think that "I'm sorry" is becoming like "How are you?". It's something you say, but don't really mean.
  I started making an effort to think about it when I say, "I'm sorry". Am I really sorry? If I'm not then I either need to keep my mouth shut or say what I really mean. I don't want to cheapen the words by over use. I also pay attention to when other people say, "I'm sorry." Sometimes they don't mean it. I've been known to in some situations say playfully, "No you're not." Sometimes someone apologises for something that isn't their fault. They had nothing to do with it. I'll say to them, "You don't need to apologise, It's not your fault."
  My thoughts of apologies turned to the subject of forgiveness. This has always been a hard subject for me. I grew up in a family where forgiveness was a rarely given thing. Only those who "deserved" it would get it. Even if you did manage to be forgiven for something, it never seemed as if it was forgotten. Eventually what you did would come back to haunt you.
  I don't feel this way, but I admit that I struggle with forgiveness. It's easy when someone who has hurt you comes back,is sorry and apologises for what they have done. It's a lot harder when the person not only doesn't apologise, but isn't sorry and acts like what happened is your fault.
  I know what you are supposed to do. You are supposed to forgive and forget. I still have a hard time with this. Forgiving in this situation feels like you are letting the other party off the hook. Like you are saying what they did is all right. Well, it's NOT all right. It is never going to be all right.
      It's a bad attitude to take and I know it. You don't forgive someone for them you do it for yourself. Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Failing to forgive it like a boomerang that comes back and hits you. The list goes on.
    I remember a few years ago hearing about a man who broke into an Amish schoolhouse and killed several young girls. The man who killed them killed himself. The Amish community not only forgave him, but reached out to his wife. I was amazed. How can they be so forgiving so fast? Didn't it bother them in the least that this guy murdered without even a second thought children who had never harmed him or anyone else? I've heard stories of people who forgave drunk drivers that killed family members. How do they do it?
  The most forgiving person I know personally is C. It seems so effortless for him. I've never understood it, but I admire it and wish I could be more like him.
  I'm not like him though, I'm like me. Maybe someday I'll be able to instantly forgive. Right now I have to take it in steps. Sometimes really small steps.
  First step, stop being angry about it. Anger is a waste of energy unless you are going to do something constructive with it. Note I said constructive. Energy that comes from anger can be used for constructive purposes, like weeding the garden or going for a run.
  Second step, figure out if you did anything to cause the situation. If you did, fix it if you can and go to step four. If you didn't proceed to step three.
  Step three, fix any damage that was done to you or that you did to yourself because of what happened. Get help if you need it.
   Step four, let it go. I had once heard that forgiveness is actually letting go of the hope that things could have been different. I find this explanation a lot easier to take. A friend of mine told me once that forgiveness is saying that what was done was not all right, but I am not going to hold it against you.
  Step five, Leave it in the past. Don't go back there and don't allow anyone else to lead you back there. It's not helpful and not constructive. If that means you have to avoid certain people until you are sure of yourself, do it.  Move on. Forward march.
  Sometimes this takes a few days, a few months or even a few years. In the case of the guys that bullied me in school, it took a decade. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think as long as you are moving towards forgiveness it is all right to take as long as you need. Just keep moving towards that goal, it will feel pretty good once you get there.