Kennels of Irritation

"I don't have pet peeves,I have whole kennels of irritation."

Whoopi Goldberg

C and I played a harp and guitar duet at church last Sunday. While we were preparing to play Bishop Campbell spoke a little bit about the hymn we were going to perform. He referred to my harp as a "machine". My Dad, a broadcast engineer, taught me that a machine was a device that did work and had moving parts. A car is a machine, the appliance that washes clothes is a machine. A harp is NOT a machine. Vibrating strings do not count as moving parts. I did what I always do in such situations. I craned my neck around and gave him "The Look". Now, I admit this was a minor faux pas. Normally only a close female relative can give "The Look" to a man. I was acting out of pure reflex. Misuse of the word "machine" is one of my pet peeves.

Like Ms Goldberg I do have a small kennel of irritation. Most of us do. I'd like to share a few with you today in hopes that you will either be amused or remember not to do these things should we ever meet.

Several of my pet peeves have to do with grammar and language. Misuse of the words "lectern" and "podium" are a good example. The lectern is the piece of furniture that some speakers use to place their notes or script on when speaking. The podium is the raised platform that a speaker stands on. You do not stand on the lectern or stand at the podium. You stand at the lectern and on the podium (unless you are sitting on the podium). I inherited this from a fellow Toastmaster. This bothered him so much that he was known to go into a full body flinch when someone misused these words. At six feet and a few inches this was quite a sight. I don't do the full body flinch, but have been known to visibly wince at times.

I am bothered the the misuse of the apostrophe ('). It is used to denote when letters have been left out (can't think of the word for this) as in can't,wasn't or here's. It is also used to indicate a possessive for example, "That is Mary's bag." Yet I see it used inappropriately all the time. I see it in books, signs and other things that people have written. Once at work I saw a sign that said "apple's 99 cents a pound." This bugged me so much that after my shift ended I got a bottle of White Out and covered the offending apostrophe.

Another grammar goof that drives me nuts is "Can you borrow me something?" No, I cannot borrow you anything. I can loan or lend you something or you may borrow what you need from me. I cannot and will not borrow you anything. So don't ask.

Cell phones are another pet peeve of mine. Do we really need to be in touch with everyone all the time? I see people on cell phones everywhere, in the grocery store, in restaurants and even in bathrooms. Many of these converstation take place at fairly high volume. Do you want everyone in a five foot radius to know your business?

Then there is texting. I think we have a whole generation of people who cannot spell because they are accustomed to texting where pesky things like spelling don't really matter. I seriously think that texting might lead to the downfall of civilization. People no longer talk to each other. They text. I know a couple of people who will only communicate though text or Facebook. They don't want to talk. To me this is scary. It ranks up there with people who will text someone sitting next to them rather than open their mouth and,heavens forbid,talk.

One of our house rules is that there are no cell phones at the table when we eat. Before we had this rule it was not uncommon to see someone carrying on several text conversations while eating dinner. I felt this was rude and disrespectful. All cell phone communication can wait for 30 minutes or so. There are still 23 and 1/2 hours in which to do all that stuff.

Now, in the interest of fair disclosure I do own a cell phone and have been known to text. I don't like either one and do so only when absolutely needed. Ask C, he'll tell you.

Now you know. If we eat together either turn your cell phone off or put it on vibrate, always remember how to use apostrophes and the words lectern and podium correctly and never, never,never refer to my harp or dulcimer as machines.