Feeling Fat

 

        For our latest bike ride of the season, I wore my flowered bike pants. Because it was going to be warm out I wore a thin purple t shirt that matched the pants. The shirt had a round collar and is close fitting.  We had a good ride, ate the picnic lunch that we brought and then went home.

     I was in the bathroom doing something when I glanced at myself in the mirror. I took a really good look. Then I felt sick.

      I looked fat. I looked in the mirror and saw something grossly fat and unattractive. I changed out of my biking clothes but it didn't make me feel any better. I felt fat and ugly. I hated what I saw in the mirror.

      This is something I've struggled with off and on for a lot of my life. Even as a teenager I was never fashionably thin. Many of the woman in my family tend to be rather sturdy especially on the Italian side. When I was out of college and working, I was too busy learning how to be a good pharmacist and living  on my own to have time to be critical about my weight. As long as I could go into a clothing store and find something I liked in a size that fit, I was just fine.

    However, one of the things that happens when you are "a woman of a certain age" is that your body changes. Weight shifts from some areas to others. Clothes that once fit well either don't fit at all or don't fit the same. 

    Much of the time, this doesn't bother me. I'm doing my best as far as eating habits are concerned and trying to do some form of exercise more days than not. I tell myself that the goal is fitness not thinness.

    When I looked in the mirror, none of that helped. For a few minutes, I wished I was anorexic. (That's a horrible thing to say, but I have to be honest.) I wished I had the self control it takes to live on very small amounts of food.

    I went into the kitchen, found C and started to cry. I didn't want to be fat and ugly. Why do I have to look like this? Why couldn't I be thin and pretty like other women?

    C pointed out that none of this was beyond my control. Everyone gains weight as they age and I could lose it if I worked at it. He held me as I sobbed into his shoulder and told me that he loved all of me. No matter what.

    While I was hoping that he would have told me that I'm not fat and I looked just fine, what he did say was a lot more helpful once I got my emotions out of the way. This is not beyond my control. If I really wanted to lose weight, I could do it. It would be hard work, but it could be done. 

    The real question is, what is important to me? Do I really want to work at losing weight? Am I willing to do what it takes to get down to the lowest weight I can get to safely?

    The honest answer is no. I don't want to constantly worry about calories and working out. I want to be able to eat what I want and not worry and obsess about it. I'm at a point in my life where I want to enjoy things. I don't want to live in regret.

    The fact is that my bike outfit doesn't look good on the body I have. I picked it for comfort, not for looks. It is also a fact that the body I dislike so much just rode 20 miles on a bike earlier that day. That's an accomplishment. That is something I might not have been able to do ten years ago or so. I just need to regain my focus. Fitness not thinness.

    I don't think I'll ever wear that bike outfit again though......