A Strange Surprise

 

   A few days ago I got a phone call from a friend. I was surprised as we had just seen each other the evening before when another couple had invited C and I and my friend and her husband over for dinner.

   She wanted to apologize. She had made some unkind comments at me during the dinner and in the conversation afterward. She felt bad, because she really does like me and cares about me as a friend. As she went through the list of things she had said, I was a flabbergasted. Most of what she said, I had not heard. What I had heard, I ignored. My friend had been acting a little strange around me ever since I was called into the Relief Society leadership. (We both go to the same church.)

  C told me that he suspected maybe she was a little jealous. After all I'm younger and have not been a member as long as she has. In a church that values age and experience, she would naturally have been considered more likely to be in leadership. I wasn't sure, but could think of no other logical explanation.

   After she was done talking, I told her that it was all right. She broke in and said it wasn't all right. Then came something I wasn't expecting. She told me she was jealous. She had listening to the talk I gave in church that morning and thought it was such a good talk and that she could never do anything like that. Out came a flood of things that I had done well that she could never do. It was clear that she was comparing herself to nearly everyone in our ward and saw herself as coming up short, very very short. She gave me a harsh critique of herself. 

   I was stunned. I had no idea this was going on. I'd never had anything like this happen before and had no idea how to handle it. One thing was clear. My friend needed help, more help than I could give her and preferably from a professional. Another thought that came to me was that I had to tell her that I forgive her and it had be very clear, very sincere and very definite.

   That's what I did. I also told her that something she said to me was part of the reason why I said yes when I had been asked to be one of the RS leaders. I can't remember all I said. Somehow I managed to end the call on a more positive note.

   Then I called Mary to ask for help. What could I do to support my clearly hurting friend and possibly guide her to get professional care?  Mary started out by saying how sorry she was that this was hurting my friendship. I blew this off. Nothing was hurting my friendship. Everything was fine.

   As I thought about it later, everything was not fine. It wasn't ok. All the little passive aggressive remarks started coming back to me. The little things she said about me or C that were really hurtful that I kept quiet about in the name of keeping the peace. The fact of the matter is that my name wasn't safe with her. Your friends shouldn't be saying bad things about you. The fact that she had, hurt.

   What was I going to do about this? I can forgive her. That's the easy part. She said what she said out of issues she is having that have nothing to do with me. The hard part is going to be deciding what to do next. It's going to be healing and learning to trust and maybe putting up some boundaries where I didn't need them before.

   That's what happens with strange surprises. Something you didn't expect and didn't see coming changes things. It can be a bit unnerving, but life that is placid and easy would also be a life where nothing is accomplished. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this challenge, but I am grateful for the chance to find out.